| Wikipedia is interesting |
[Wednesday
1:14am July 29th] |
Here are a few of my favorite wikipedia articles lately:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia
To be an intellectual and functional citizen with this disorder is a wonder to me. I was reading a thread in reddit all about an extremely intelligent man with Alexithymia, Aspergers, and a type of social anxiety, yet he gets by without goals, aspirations, emotions, love, pleasure, and mental imagery. His life is based on logic and the only thing he really seemed to love was information and stories with logical endings and suitable trains of thought. He said he didn't care about others' feelings, or have any desire to impress anyone. Compliments to him were useless because he assumes people already know the good and bad traits they have. He had no problems with adultery nor would he care if his girlfriend cheated on him or if he cheated on her. Gosh...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunning-Kruger_effect
I just find this to be an interesting cognitive bias. I have a feeling that people who are conspiracy theorists are especially prone to this.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydra_(genus)
Theoretically living forever as a simple organism is so neat. In my family's collection of my great grandfather's scientific photographs we have a picture of a hydra swallowing a glass bead and I always think of this when I think of hydras.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turritopsis_nutricula
This is a type of hydra who can theoretically live forever but unless it is killed by, I guess, pollution; water temperatures rising; being exposed to possibly changes in P.h. of the water or sunlight levels; or being mangled by another animal. This hydra is special because it isn't subject to regular senescence, where it is perfectly healthy until it reaches its peak of sexual maturity then dies, but when it has fully aged, it reverts back to being a polyp and retracts its extremities into its body.
______
Yesterday my aunt who has lymphomia and my very distant uncle visited. It was a wonderful visit.
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| Coffee |
[Monday
12:39am July 27th] |
I figured out exactly how I love coffee
2 oz coffee per 6-7 ounces of water
skim milk
1 scoop stevia
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
loads of ice
stir well
sugar in the iced coffee so it doesn't dissolve.
mmm
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[Tuesday
12:21am April 21st] |
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cannot finish homework...wrists hurt. typing hurts. taking econ notes hurt.
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[Wednesday
5:56pm April 8th] |
"Human philosophy has no part in the animal kingdom"
-a pet store owner on pet owners decreasing the amount of meat that their dogs and cats eat
what a good quote.
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| Moms bday |
[Saturday
9:17pm February 21st] |
Today is my mother's birthday. We celebrated it together. I think it was a good day. People spoke Chinese to her in the restaurant and we laughed.
Some woman in her 30's told me that my boots were AMAZING. I was so excited ^_^
Here are my newly thrifted boods =D
Then my cat got in the way
Shell Barrette f
I spent 3 days writing a history paper for my university writing something or the other seminar about China in Western imagination. It's finally done! Yay. I'm so tired of working but I still have another paper to edit before I go back to school :(
Also my boyfriend is amazing as always :)
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| the flow of things---speed update |
[Saturday
9:47am January 31st] |
I've been so busy I've hardly been able to spend time at the computer. I've also had so much schoolwork that I shouldn't really be typing when I'm not working on homework because my wrists have been hurting again.
I will go into boston today if I can get my essay and other work done today.... going with Tova and Destiny :) I may stay overnight at home so I can see my parents and join them for dim sum.
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[Friday
12:21am January 9th] |
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packing for spring semester tonight.......
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| =D New Years Eve and later |
[Sunday
2:55pm January 4th] |
I found out a few days ago that my boyfriend and I were voted best couple in high school! Since neither of us got a yearbook it took a friend mentioning it to us months later for us to find out! I was so excited I was squealing for the rest of the night! Here is a picture of us when we found out! I was so excited I jumped on him!
Today is his little brother's 12th birthday! I hope he and his family has a great time celebrating. It's exciting to see their family functioning so normally. It's also hard to not get jealous seeing a 12 year old having birthday parties and seeing their family wanting to spend time together. I was about 8 when I stopped getting birthday presents and I've never had a real birthday party. On the other hand I'm thrilled to watch him being such a loving big brother. When I was that age my sister was in college and she was essentially out of my life. Her life was entirely encompassed by college (Harvard) and her then boyfriend and now almost ex husband. It's amazing to see how much my boyfriend loves his little brother and how they interact. Things like that also reminds me that my boyfriend is a generally good and sweet person through and through.
Earlier that day we chilled with Totoro
They got in a heated conversation.
I just love this picture
Right now I should be reading and packing up for Brandeis. Oh, and laundry. fuck. I would rather paint my nails.
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| Another reason for not posting |
[Saturday
1:37pm December 13th] |
At the end of High School I got RSI--repetitive strain injury in my wrists and it's hard to type without further damaging my wrists. I have to limit how much I use the computer a lot.
Other updates to my life:
Euan and I are still together and happy
I will start at Brandeis a semester late in less than a month
I for the most part no longer have depression or PTSD
The content of this journal embarrasses me
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| Xposting from Xanga |
[Wednesday
4:30pm December 10th] |
I want to write and pour my thoughts out but I can't get in the mood to write complete trains of thought or whole stories. Writing is no longer a compulsive, hypnotic, or routine. I have so many things I wish to share but I doubt my wrists could take all of the typing.
While in New York I found out some truth about my parents and why my sister disowned them. After learning this I fully understand now why she felt like she had to disown both of them and I am nearly ready to do the same. I now too doubt that they are good people and that they ever had my or my sister's best interests at heart. I guess it doesn't change so much of my perception of my father because he'll always be the person who fanatically tries to finish the work his father died young doing, the person who puts travel and pro bono environmental work before his family, the father who is home sometimes as little as two months out of a year, and the poverty loving bohemian selfish and self-indulgent person who refuses to give his family any choice in their lifestyle. I will always be conflicted about whether he is a good or bad person because his life has a cause that benefits the world.
Since coming home from New York I have been a bit sick and very much of a hermit (crab). I've been wanting to stay warm under blankets all day and trying to hide from the cold weather outside. My mother asked me today why I've been so curt with her and I could only think of how before I left for New York she was no help again while I tried to straighten out my health insurance information that I had to send to my University. She then got upset and tried to pressure me to apologize after she was once again no help to me while I tried to fill out forms regarding the state of her affairs (she is the authorized account holder on my health insurance account). It's not even like she had her shit together enough to apply for health insurance. When MA ruled on statewide mandated health insurance I obtained a health insurance application from a local health center and filled out everything except my parent's signatures and a short letter of explanation regarding the state of their finance. Although all my parents had to do was sign their names and talk to me about their finance so I could write a letter they refused and 'never got around to it' leaving them with the bill of my ER visit when I got a kidney infection. Anyway, after she couldn't help me once again fill out paperwork regarding information only she has I was left to spend hours on the phone calling multiple numbers to reach different branches of my health insurance to obtain the information for an account I didn't even have authorization on. She then tried to guilt me into feeling bad for being short with her after she was again more than unhelpful (providing fake answers to information I needed). I then exploded at her telling her she was insensitive to the fact that I have an anxiety disorder and was abandoned for more than a year of my life at boarding school (that she didn't even decide to send me to or pay for). She never appologized or acknowledged that she often says rude, hurtful, and thoughtless things to me about me having anxiety, depression, or me having to do things on my own that most nuclear families assist their children with for most of my life. The next day she mindlessly said that everyone has anxiety and they just deal with it better. I obviously was offended knowing that my brain and hormones respond to stress and stressors in a definite and abnormal way which makes me have to work harder than most people to control stress. After finding out things in New York I have been unable to look at her as the same ignorant woman trapped in her own world. I now think that she is truely not a good person. When I confronted her with a few things today she seemed remorseless about how she drove my sister and I to have many 'issues' that we still are working out to this day. She was emotionless when I said I think she and my father are fowl people seeing as how they are thousands of dollars in debt to their children. I am still livid and there are so many other things that happened that I don't care to divulge to this blog but I have finally decided I am going to make her see a psychologist. She agreed because we now have magical state mandated health care. I've been compiling a list of reasons she needs to see a psychologist this evening.
Visiting my sister has reminded me a lot of who I used to be. I still have the word restrict sharpied in huge letters onto the bottom outside of my bedroom door, reminding me that I once felt like I didn't deserve food or feeling warm enough. I have the date of when I was with my father in Mexico and the barracuda attacked him written on my wall above my light switch. I also have patterns of how I used to cut myself drawn onto my door frame. Lighters and cloves still live in my nightstand even though I no longer smoke. The worst reminder of the person I used to be are the scars that are still on my left forearm after five years. They are almost unnoticeable so I show my arms freely but I still sometimes wonder if people notice the irregular tone of my skin or the patterns and clusters of lines grouping together on my arm. Those scars even show separate dates with 5 large groups of scars showing how I slowly moved up my arm during the height of my depression. Although I've been completely cured of depression and post traumatic stress disorder for years now it's still scary to think about the sad and angry person I used to be.
After a long period of reclusiveness and hermit crabbery I think I'm finally feeling ready for University to begin for me. Being out of college for a semester in the long run was very good for me. Especially since most of that time was spent trying to get my wrists to heal from Repetitive Strain Injury. I also got to visit my lovely and amazing sister in New York multiple times which helped me to straighten out a lot of my life. I always love visiting her. She is the most lovely person and I can't believe how strong she is for changing her life around so much in the past year+. We really really get along and I'm so elated to have her in my life.
Other things:
* I looked at breast reduction videos on youtube today. I want a breast reduction so badly but the scars are a big deterrent.
* I turn 18 in only 16 days now!
* Nip/Tuck is addictive.
* I received my new J Crew winter coat in the mail today which was a birthday/college present from my sister! It is gorgeous but it is too big around the waist/hips. We ordered it big so it would fit my bust. I'm sad we had to size up to make the coat only fit my bust :( :( I wish I was one of those people who lost weight in their chest. Alas a breast reduction one day may be the solution to finding tailored and fitted clothes that actually fit.
This post was just reflective. I was sad earlier thinking about everything but my mind has finally cleared out a bit. Shiba Inu puppies from the puppy cam are also making me happy as a fuzzy animal.
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[Sunday
7:53pm April 8th] |
APUSH is killing me X_X
luckily, I only have about 6 more chapters to go!!
...then AP test.
and I still need to do SATII. I can get two of them free, but i need to take 3. I'm thinking US history, bio or chem, and math :) I want to take that on the may 5th date, but I need to register badly!
My back really really hurts. Like... Really. I feel like my spine is being slowly compacted into one large mass, like when you take airheads, and shake them till its one big lump.. But I got depeche mode back.. and I'm feeling better.
So much has been going on lately... and my mood is completely out of control.
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| I hate when my legs are fuzzy, and my eyelashes are fall out |
[Sunday
7:22pm April 1st] |
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I would like to share two of my favorite poems.
1. A haiku frin Kibayashi Issa (1763-1827)
Don't worry, spiders,
I keep house
casually.
---> I have no idea why the last line is missing though...
2. A chinese poem from the nineth century!
Hedgehog by Chu Chen Po
He ambles along like a walking pin cushion,
Stops and curls up like a chestnut burr.
He's not worried because he's so little.
Nobody is going to slap him around.
wait... I want to post more from my poetry in motion book...
3.
Sir, You Are Tough
Sir, you are tough, and I am tough.
But who will write whose epitaph?
4.
A Man Said To The Universe
A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation"
5. First grade
In the play Amy didn't want to be
anybody; so she managed the curtain.
Sharon wanted to be Amy. But Sam
wouldn't let anybody be anybody else---
he said it was wrong. "All right," Steve said,
"I'll be me but I don't like it."
So Amy was Amy, and we didn't have they play.
And Sharon cried.
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[Thursday
6:35pm March 15th] |
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Extra: ODE TO MEANING by robert Pinksy
Dire one and desired one,
Savior, sentencer--
In an old allegory you would carry
A chained alphabet of tokens:
Ankh Badge Cross.
Dragon,
Engraved figure guarding a hallowed intaglio,
Jasper kinema of legendary Mind,
Naked omphalos pierced
By quills of rhyme or sense, torah-like: unborn
Vein of will, xenophile
Yearning out of Zero.
Untrusting I court you. Wavering
I seek your face, I read
That Crusoe's knife
Reeked of you, that to defile you
The soldier makes the rabbi spit on the torah.
"I'll drown my book" says Shakespeare.
Drowned walker, revenant.
After my mother fell on her head, she became
More than ever your sworn enemy. She spoke
Sometimes like a poet or critic of forty years later.
Or she spoke of the world as Thersites spoke of the heroes,
"I think they have swallowed one another. I
Would laugh at that miracle."
You also in the laughter, warrior angel:
Your helmet the zodiac, rocket-plumed
Your spear the beggar's finger pointing to the mouth
Your heel planted on the serpent Formulation
Your face a vapor, the wreath of cigarette smoke crowning
Bogart as he winces through it.
You not in the words, not even
Between the words, but a torsion,
A cleavage, a stirring.
You stirring even in the arctic ice,
Even at the dark ocean floor, even
In the cellular flesh of a stone.
Gas. Gossamer. My poker friends
Question your presence
In a poem by me, passing the magazine
One to another.
Not the stone and not the words, you
Like a veil over Arthur's headstone,
The passage from Proverbs he chose
While he was too ill to teach
And still well enough to read, I was
Beside the master craftsman
Delighting him day after day, ever
At play in his presence--you
A soothing veil of distraction playing over
Dying Arthur playing in the hospital,
Thumbing the Bible, fuzzy from medication,
Ever courting your presence,
And you the prognosis,
You in the cough.
Gesturer, when is your spur, your cloud?
You in the airport rituals of greeting and parting.
Indicter, who is your claimant?
Bell at the gate. Spiderweb iron bridge.
Cloak, video, aroma, rue, what is your
Elected silence, where was your seed?
What is Imagination
But your lost child born to give birth to you?
Dire one. Desired one.
Savior, sentencer--
Absence,
Or presence ever at play:
Let those scorn you who never
Starved in your dearth. If I
Dare to disparage
Your harp of shadows I taste
Wormwood and motor oil, I pour
Ashes on my head. You are the wound. You
Be the medicine.
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[Saturday
9:42am July 29th] |
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WHEN IS SERENA BACK?!?!?!
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| maya papaya |
[Sunday
4:49pm July 24th] |
i LOVE my sister
<3
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[Sunday
11:22am July 24th] |
HAPPY
FAKE
BIRTHDAY
CHISAKU
WE LOVE YOU
<3
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mar1na's journal
